In the fullness of time, Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigeria’s former President, dies. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
“Ahhh! Peter,” he says effusively, “You are always working, and I have always wondered how you do it.”
“Thank you,” St. Peter says.
Obasanjo adjusts his agbada. “My brother, I know you have a lot of people coming through here, so I will not waste your time,” he says. “Please help me with just one question.”
“Go ahead.”
“What is the format of the interview?”
St. Peter smiles. You must be a Nigerian,” he says.
The Balogun of Owu is incredulous. “How do you know that?”
“No reason, really,” St. Peter says. “I just sensed it.”
“Thank you. So is there anything I should know before I get there?”
“You mean The Final Judgment?”
“Yes!”
“You mean anything other than what you already know? Other than The 10 Commandments?”
“No, I don’t mean the content of the interview. Just the format. I just want to be sure I am prepared.”
“I understand,” St Peter says. “So…Nigeria. Were you very important?”
Obasanjo beams. “As important as you could be. I was twice leader of the nation, for a total of 11 years. I came close to being President for Life. And then I built a massive church for the Lord.”
“Those are wonderful achievements. Were they happy or sad?”
The Balogun beams again. “They were actually very happy achievements.”
“I meant the people. Were they happy with you when you left office?”
“You know Nigerians. They are difficult to…”
“So they danced in joy when they knew for sure you had run out of time?”
“They are a stiff-necked people.”
“What about yourself? You said you built a church. Were you very rich?”
“Emmm…”
“Building a fitting place of worship takes a lot of money, unless it is built by the Lord Himself. Were you very rich?”
“Emmm…If you don’t mind, may I ask if this is part of my Interview?”
St Peter smiles. “No, it is not. You do not have to answer me. But you wanted me to help you prepare.”
“Yes of course,” says Obasanjo, “I appreciate it. Actually, I am a very rich man.”
“Okay. So you had a lot of investments?”
“In a sense, yes. I helped a lot of people, and they were grateful.”
“The poor people were so grateful they gave you money, the lack of which got them described as poor in the first place?”
“Oh… So you helped the privileged and they got richer, and then made you rich enough to build a church. But what of the poor? I take it they were the ones dancing when you left office. But what of the man who took over from you? Did he like the situation? Did he seek to correct the error of your ways?”
“Well, the man who took over was my own man. I selected him personally. He owed me, and I owned him.”
“Oh, what immense riches,” St Peter says. “How is he doing now?”
“Actually, he is already dead. He must have passed through here. He was quite sick, and was only in office for two years.”
“What about his successor? Did he take an interest in correcting the errors of your tenure?”
“Oh, Peter, you keep referring to my errors, but I was practically flawless. This man was also chosen by me, first as deputy to the man who died, and then as the new leader.”
“Oh, double insurance! You protected yourself way into the future.”
Obasanjo smiles even more broadly. “Well, I cannot take full credit for it all. This new man has, shall we say, defined deficiencies. I tried to run a responsible government, for example, but he does not have a clue.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let me give you an example. The man ran for office making promises all over the country, including a transformation agenda. Personally, I don’t believe he can spell agenda, talk less of transformation. He could not even define his agenda.”
St Peter is staring at the man.
Obasanjo continues: “Another example. In June of 2011, I was attending a conference in Switzerland, organised by the Club de Madrid on the subject of ‘Meeting Sustainable Societies and Social Justice.’ They asked me about the subject of fighting corruption in Nigeria, and I said, “what fight?” I told them the government was weak and lacked the will to fight corruption because corrupt people are deeply entrenched in the government. I did not mention names, but everybody knew what I was talking about.”
“That was a courageous thing to do.”
“I am a courageous man, Peter. A soldier’s soldier. I am not afraid of small boys. And do you know what happened thereafter?”
“What?”
“Well, they fired the lady who was handling the economic and financial crimes office.”
“Was she bad?”
Obasanjo laughs again. “Bad woman? I already knew that in a year or two, they will give her a National Honour.”
“So are you saying that government did not start correcting the mistakes made by its predecessors so that the people will be happier?”
“Oh, they were busy. For instance, saying they wanted to fight the insecurity in the country, they gave a contract called National Security Communications System (NPSCS) worth $470m to a Chinese company to install closed circuit television cameras in Abuja. No due process, no details.”
“So you think…”
“Please Peter, hold on. There are already CCTV cameras all over Lagos. And Abuja. Why? Because in November 2004, my government gave out a contract for the same purpose. Value: N847m. Just seven years ago. All the equipment is already available.”
St Peter thinks for a moment. “So you pointed this out to the new leader?”
The Balogun glances around. “I beg your pardon?”
“If you pointed the duplication and waste out to the new leader, perhaps he will revise the plan and use the money for other things that will benefit the people.”
“Emm…no.”
“You ignored this?”
“Well, it is his government.”
“Yes, and you will only talk about the issues out of earshot?”
“No, not at all. I told you what I said in Switzerland. It was widely reported.”
“Oh, Switzerland. But you, a rich, church-building man, never confronted fiction with truth?”
“It is not like that. He is of my party, the biggest party in Africa. We want to rule for 100 years. We don’t get into each other’s way.”
“Your party sounds as if it is really big. You have a lot of rich people?”
“The richest.”
“Powerful people?”
“Power! The two Ps in our name actually stand for P-O-W-E-R. Power Demands Power.”
St Peter smiles broadly. “In that case you must have a lot of murderers, crooks, 419-ers, election-riggers, forgers, treasury-looters, money-launderers, certificate-forgers, pedophiles, liars and so on in your midst?
Obasanjo shakes his head vigorously. “Emm…maybe!”
“You abhorred injustice, promoted merit, fought poverty, supported equality, and elevated self above nobody, and denied no one of his rights?”
“But I thought we were talking about format, not content!”
“Of course,” says St Peter. “And I hope you know CCTV technology was developed up here. I am sure the Lord is watching and listening, along with a lot of Nigerians who have been waiting for your arrival.”
“The format, Peter, the format!” our
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